First Letter to the Birth Parents

This weekend, we are going to put together our first letter with photos post-placement to the birth parents. This will be our first "official" communication with both of them. Around the second week post-placement I did send a little paragraph to the agency to pass along about baby's eating. He makes a lot of noise when he eats and everyone was concerned about that, but turns out he's just a noisy baby!

So, for everyone out in there in open adoptions, what was your first contact like? Assuming it was a letter. What did you write about your child and what kind of information did you share? We have the photos picked out that we are going to send, some of just him and some of the three of us. Our social worker has chimed in and given us advice, of course. But, we wanted to ask any adoptive parents out there what they recommend as well for the first letter. And, if any birthparents read this, what information did you want during that first letter?

Here is our situation, in case it helps you in your advice. As I said, this is our first real letter. We plan to develop an open relationship with both birth parents over time that will include visits. We have met the birth mother three times and the birth father once. It was during a three-week time period between birth and placement. So, we didn't have a lot of time to get to know each other before birth and really get that "comfortable" easy connection going before placement. So, we've got to develop that at the same time we are keeping the birthparents updated on baby boy, while at the same time we are attaching to each other and becoming a family. So, we are taking - wait for it - baby steps with communication. This first one will be a letter and photos through the agency. I do think at some point this year, for logistical reasons, we will have one visit with the birth-mom too.

So, any advice you have is great! We don't want to under share or over share, and we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with the type of information we share. And we are just nervous as this is our first time! We know it will get easier over time. Oh, and last thing, regarding going through the agency for this first contact, that is a logistical thing as well. That will change over time and we will go into direct contact with each other.

Thanks!

Open Adoption Roundtable #30

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It's designed to showcase the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don't need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption.

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#30: Do you remember the first time you heard about open adoption?

When we first heard about open adoption, it was the first day of our group class for our home study. While we never imagined adopting a child and then never telling them they were adopted or not "allowing" them to meet their birth parents, we had no idea about the concept of open adoption. I will say, that day was very rough. The second day was even harder because the counselor leading that day was very bottom line about it. When many of the prospective parents kept asking questions about it, clearly not understanding the concept, the counselor just kept saying, "Don't worry about it now, you'll get it later." At one point, I even think they said something like, "You're child will always have a piece of them missing that you can never know, and may or may not be filled."

After learning some more, and talking to other adoptive parents, we learned that many couples have this same initiation into open adoption. While they are a force for good, many counselors forget that they are talking to a room full of people who probably can not have a biological child, are just learning to come to terms with that and accept that loss, and have more than likely been on a long journey where at every turn they are told the limitations and complications they will face to starting a family.