Saturday, April 7, 2012

First Letter to the Birth Parents

This weekend, we are going to put together our first letter with photos post-placement to the birth parents. This will be our first "official" communication with both of them. Around the second week post-placement I did send a little paragraph to the agency to pass along about baby's eating. He makes a lot of noise when he eats and everyone was concerned about that, but turns out he's just a noisy baby!

So, for everyone out in there in open adoptions, what was your first contact like? Assuming it was a letter. What did you write about your child and what kind of information did you share? We have the photos picked out that we are going to send, some of just him and some of the three of us. Our social worker has chimed in and given us advice, of course. But, we wanted to ask any adoptive parents out there what they recommend as well for the first letter. And, if any birthparents read this, what information did you want during that first letter?

Here is our situation, in case it helps you in your advice. As I said, this is our first real letter. We plan to develop an open relationship with both birth parents over time that will include visits. We have met the birth mother three times and the birth father once. It was during a three-week time period between birth and placement. So, we didn't have a lot of time to get to know each other before birth and really get that "comfortable" easy connection going before placement. So, we've got to develop that at the same time we are keeping the birthparents updated on baby boy, while at the same time we are attaching to each other and becoming a family. So, we are taking - wait for it - baby steps with communication. This first one will be a letter and photos through the agency. I do think at some point this year, for logistical reasons, we will have one visit with the birth-mom too.

So, any advice you have is great! We don't want to under share or over share, and we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with the type of information we share. And we are just nervous as this is our first time! We know it will get easier over time. Oh, and last thing, regarding going through the agency for this first contact, that is a logistical thing as well. That will change over time and we will go into direct contact with each other.



  1. I remember being nervous about that first letter. And it turns out every letter since then has never been picked up from the agency so that's the only one she has ever seen. I just told myself to relax and be myself and open up to her. I didn't want it to be too superficial. I really opened up in a way that felt comfortable. Of course ours was different because I was also introducing ourselves and telling her who we are. It was a hard letter and I still think about it and hope it gave her some peace.

    Good luck :)

    1. Thank you for sharing that with us! I know as long as it comes from the heart, it will be good, whatever we say.